1d6 OD&D Lords With Small Penises
1. Lord of the Knights of the Shining Gold
9th Level Fighting Man. Almost as wide as he is tall, with a bellowing laughter and a wild, black mane for hair and beard. Loves adventurers and will offer hospitality for all who pass, though will also expect a gift of 500 gp for his grace. Has a short, thick penis which goes much unused for sex these days, as he has sworn celibacy after his wife passed away tragically in childbirth.
He is attended by 12 giants organized into pairs of lovers who see him as just as much of a giant as they are. Lord Shining Gold is their benefactor, sponsoring their love, and they will fight to the last for him. They all dress like hoplites and their beautiful golden shields gleaming in the sun.
Each giant-pair is accompanied by a conroi of 5 crossbowmen and 5 heavy footsoldiers, all aspirants to the Shining Gold way and also beloved by their "elder brothers".
A 5th level Cleric, the Canon, younger brother to the Lord, helps them along. He's pines after one of the giants, Ysgramont, but knows that it would likely never work out between them; in part because of the size difference, but also because Ysgramont is already paired with another giant. He's still young and will eventually get over it.
No wizards live in the Keep and the Lord of Shining Gold is keen to offer employment to all 5th level wizards and above.
The knights have no pressing objectives, though they will heed the call of true love always.
Lord Shining Gold squats 250 kg (~555 lbs) and presses 130 kg (285 lbs) to failure. He uses large boulders for this and frequently holds games to celebrate strength. He's not a good runner but he admires those who are, though he is surprisingly fast for his size.
2. Oliver Tomorrow's Gang
8th Level Fighting Man. A hideout for a gang led by Oliver Tomorrow, a beautiful raven-haired bandit king. Once upon a time he killed and deceived his way into a dragon's hoard worth of gold and now protects it fiercely from the authorities, though he doesn't think adventurers are of any concern to him. He will, however, extract a 400 gp toll from passers-by just as a courtesy. His penis is thin and dainty, very soft to the touch, which lends him a boyish air despite being in his early 30's.
Oliver's Gang is comprised of two families of ogres totalling 11 heads - one has 4 members and are known as the Camel House, the other has 7 and are the Horse House. As ogres, they are large, brutish, and their endless appetites push Oliver towards even more daring exploits. They consider him their "exalted nephew" and he mediates their rocky relationship. They particularly enjoy human flesh, and Oliver is not beyond letting them nab adventurers that don't pay his toll.
The Camel House commands 45 crossbowmen and the Horse House 45 heavy infantry. These are mostly human mercenaries recruited from the ranks of the amoral and the greedy - many of which are well on their way to turning into ogres themselves.
Wizards and clerics shun Oliver Tomorrow and his gang due to their general uninterest in magic of all kinds.
3. The Lady of Dragons
11th level Magician. This white-armed lady is said to be the niece of that vaunted hero Iskandar Magnus who once held half of the world, though her reputation is by no means overshadowed by her uncle. She is known to have flown with the great dragons in the lands of dawn far far away, and ever since she has searched near and far for a means of "becoming a dragon" - the meaning of which is highly philosophical and idealised, having to do more with overcoming the "petty confines of the flesh" and self-actualising in an act of spiritual and psychosexual rebellion against Being through Becoming. Her penis is about the size of a small spoon and the colour of alabaster, a tongue might perceive a faint taste of vanilla, the remainders of a silly though earnest magic experiment from her apprenticehood.
The Lady of Dragons has little enemies and is willing to be moved by a good cause, though she is by no means nice. She will unfailingly extract a 4000 gp toll from those who wish to go through her castle unless they can provide her with the directions to a dragon's lair for further enquiry.
She commands the willingness of 14 small dragons (as Wyverns) who regard her as a loyal dog might his owner, often nuzzling her before bed and prone to snapping at those who get too close to her without her explicit command to stand down. She often goes out astride a horse with her sergeants on falconry-style hunts on the countryside, though instead of hares, her scaled sons and daughters hunt deer, coyote, and species that require populational control. She has a secondary interest in fauna and botany, and works as a Sage for those purposes.
140 men divided equally among crossbowmen and heavy infantry in gleaming hoplite helmets live in her castle; all of them descendants and veterans from her uncle's wars. The Lady doesn't enjoy commanding the army, however, and would love nothing more than to have a proper officer to drill her forces, though she keeps postponing this search.
She has a lv 4 apprentice, Emerald Lion, her brother-in-law who lives with her sister in one of the towers. He earnestly believes the Lady of Dragons is the brightest mind in this planet, though he is deathly afraid of her wyverns and is more interested in her zoological knowledge. He counts as a sage with a minor field in Fauna, though specialised in birds. His penis is about 8 and a half inches long when erect; his wife, Marble Bison, sister to the Lady of Dragons, is quite joyful about that, though Emerald Lion is afraid that she enjoys him for this and for his solid physique instead of his (admittedly modest) intellectual achievements.
He is unfortunately right, Marble Bison is a shallow person and mostly uninterested in him as a human being and wishes he was a great strong fighter like her father, which she thought he would become when they became engaged 10 years ago, when both of them were teenagers. Nevertheless, Marble Bison is very loyal to her family and would never willingly reveal this, although this will become a serious rift in their relationship within 2d6 months and cause a breakup.
4. Lord Valiant Arrow, the Necromancer
12th level Wizard. A devout of the triple-goddess, white-eyed Valiant Arrow appears as a rugged man in his 50's with patches of white in his beard and on the sides of his head, though he's walked the world for a few hundred years already. His penis is the size of his little finger and he is extremely self-conscious about it, though he doesn't quite care enough to devote serious magical study towards it. He believes humanity needs to be steered by his righteous hand and intends on invading with his undead army of 70 to that end.
His loyal underlings are the Castorlings, the descendants of the mighty hero Castor who once wore a tiger's pelt and mothered many litters of half-tiger children. There are 47 of them under Valiant Arrow divided into three packs and a renegade pack who reject him and live in the wilderness - these aren't family, but rather made up of the runts of the litters of the main three packs.
Those who pass by his lands will be met by the undead skeleton of Castor himself (as 6th level Fighting Man who is also undead and still wears the magical tiger pelt) and demanded a contribution of 4000 gp for Valiant Arrow's war chest. The packs believe Castor to have been made immortal by Valiant Arrow and so obey his words unfailingly.
His 6th level apprentice is Veran, one of the were-tigers who's been raised from childhood to be Valiant Arrow's underling. She has a complex sense of loyalty towards him, at once considering him a dutiful father and a prospective, masculine and powerful lover; this dichotomy is the cause of much shame and difficult feelings. She isn't aware that Valiant Arrow groomed her to feel exactly this way. Her penis is average length and girthy, and she has touched herself thinking of Valiant Arrow before. In 1d6 months she will discover that her ancestor Castor is merely a shambling bag of bones entirely controlled by Valiant Arrow's mind, and this betrayal might tear the entire keep apart.
5. Oracle of the Crystal Mountain
10th level cleric. Who has not heard of the oracle who lives atop the Crystal Mountain? His words, spoken through him by the divine Hercules, are heed by kings of all countries. Wars have been started and stopped with his nod, weddings have been firmed, foreigners welcomed. The current oracle is a venerable old man of over 80 whose fiery temper has driven away all assistants he once had and left him without a clear successor; a personal failure he refuses to acknowledge but which is deeply felt. His penis is stubby and generally flaccid, he's been impotent for most of his life.
The one quest he begrudgingly offers to those who have proven themselves to be heroes is to seek out his former apprentice, Sister Cypress, nowadays a 50 year old woman, and convince her to take on his mantle. She refuses to do so as long as he refuses to apologise for his behaviour.
Housed in the oracle grounds is a company of 90 soldiers and their families, 21 of which mounted on hippogriffs, all of them piously devoted to the oracle and usually sons and daughters of the nobility who don't stand to inherit anything. Quite a few of them have a difficult relationship to the oracle, as they love him like a grandfather, admire his tenacity and vigour, and are loyal to his office, but resent having to care for him, clean and feed him, and his stubbornness which prevents him from simply sitting still and doing as the doctors and wise people (and even the gods themselves) recommend him do to ease his pain. He is generally debilitated by age yet refuses to acknowledge this, often requiring the shoulder of a loyal attendant rather than admitting the "humiliation" of a walking cane, among other behaviours. They would never admit it out loud, but though they will be sad when he inevitably passes away, it will be for the better.
6. High Priestess of the Night, Mother Calypso
10th level cleric. Huge, loud, and possessing a deep joy in "being evil", Calypso is the embodiment of the cackling villain. She delights in luring people to her black mansion and making deals with them in exchange for casting powerful spells, such as raising the dead and the like. Somehow she's become a cleric through ascending to demigodhood and worshipping herself, and finds that extremely funny. Her penis is often exposed, about an inch long and has been enchanted so that she can speak through it with a high pitched, squeaky voice, which she uses for duets and for mocking adventurers.
She controls a cabaret of 24 vampires, all wearing flamboyant and crossdressing clothing; she was once a vampire too but she's since cured herself of it, though her power over them remains. These vampires, in turn, command a small legion of 110 charmed humans, her "little puppets" who are often used as furniture and dressed peacockishly in many different colours.
Mother Calypso will attempt to slay those who refuse to pay her 10% tithe, though she also accepts payment in grovelling and licking her feet, eating trash, etc. She has a particular penchant for dressing burly men in pink dresses and making them dance ballet.
One of the only lines Mother Calypso refuses to cross is doing anything evil to animals, and those who hurt them are the only ones she kills most exquisitely. She has no such compunctions about children.