sex according to allos
i hate allos, man. i'm sure you probably do too. don't get it twisted i got nothing against them - even have friends who are - but why do they gotta rub their lifestyle all over everything you know what i mean. as Famous Ace Legend Kendrick Lamar once put it:
I got love for you all, but I'm tryna murder you niggas
Tryna make sure your core fans never heard of you niggas
They don't wanna hear not one more noun or verb from you niggas
let's get to slanderin'
so for the alleged Sex HUSSEIN Bandwagon i've decided to take my big stick and speak very softly about some shit i hate, and what i've learned from watching YOU what sex is (and also from doing it, more on that l8r).
sex is funny - Le Sexenfucking, as the Belgians call it, is the prime joke you can put on anything. having issues with a punchline? just say someone fucked such and such in the assed hole and it automatically qualifies as funny. it's ribaldry, the People love it.
but don't you fucking dare laugh - because people might think you're laughing at them and they won't appreciate that. can't be laughing at yourself for anything these days. sidenote, but have you ever seen celebrity AI porn? not that i'm recommending you seek it out nor anything, but there's this phenomenon where every time they turn an image of a woman smiling into porn, she either stops smiling OR the smile takes on a "my little pogchamp" tone, you know what i mean? like she's not smiling because she's happy anymore, she's smiling because you WANT to see her smile AT you. isn't that creepy? i think it is. creepy & strange. granted, most people i've had sex with kinda made a wincing face when they were cumming or focused, like biting the lower lip and such, i think that's a normal thing, but the expression turns into this dead fish ass Rachel Sennott ass expression.
sex is done unto others - just like that confucius quote to do unto others as you'd do unto you. i think the fellow queers in the audience were feeling a bit too smug and contented with the prior points, sneering and going "heh that's het shit that's who he means" no you sucker, you complete silly goose, i mean YOU TOO. "Did you fuck her or did she fuck you?" -Asked by a nonbinary friend i once had after telling them my first time. FUCKING is something an active party does to a subjugated second party, and it is humiliating to be fucked. so much so that for a while there a couple years ago people started substituting "My Bitch Wife" for "My Bottom" in reddit memes and thinking this was a cool and normal thing to do. to Be Fucked is to be conquered, dominated, submitted, and people get really hung (heh) up on this.
love is for suckers - this one gets dicey. this one gets SPICY, because this is one people actually like paying lip service to while also maintaining a distant ironic detachment towards. so love is actually good and desirable in theory, but actually admitting you love someone or want to fall in love with someone is 1. Cringe and 2. Showing Weakness. for the boys, this means that saying you're falling in love with a broad is met with scorn because you're being enslaved by the pussy, and for the gals, this means that you're subjecting yourself to a Man and falling for Their trap. heterofatalistically staring down the barrel of a relationship and going "I Need To Get What I Want Outta This". and then you get to the situation where like you ask your poly friend about it and they either go "well I just have a lot of love to give 🤗" (i.e. "skill issue lmao") or they look at you like you just asked what language their dog speaks.
for dudes sex is the best thing ever, particularly blowjobs - dudes go fucking gonga badongas for blowjobs. they love having people talk about sucking their dick or sucking their homies' dicks or whatever. when you're a boykid people make sex out to be literally the best thing you can ever experience in your life, so clearly your ass is defective if you do it and it's just alright. granted that it's never really taught so there's the expectation your first couple times will probably be awkward, but like the ideal thing? the "perfect sex" is more perfect than anything else. and if u disagree you're gonna get pelted with 49 tomátoes.
for gals, sex is done out of pity - women don't "have sex" with someone else, they "let them hit". this "let" here implies allowing someone else to do something to them, which is consistent with what our studies have shewn beforehand.
sex is everywhere and nowhere at the same time - it's like St. Anthony in that way. movies don't have sex no more, but you turn on the tv and they're using it to sell beer. or more specifically, sex can't be taken seriously as a part of the human experience, but virgins online WILL talk about their gyatts & alpha male musk til the cows and other farm animals come home.
pointing out crassness or vulgarity is prudishness - this one only applies to one part of society, because the other half is actually very prude. but if you ever go "ew dude don't say shit like that" after someone starts asking if you're going out with someone else to lick their wet holes, that's breaking the kayfabe - sex is funny after all, and we're all ironically detached, so this is just a japenjoke, i don't mean nothin' by it. and the fact your sensitive ass gets in a tiff about it is funny and kinda problematic if you really think about it.
sex is embarrassing, if not for you then for someone - if you aren't embarrassed by having sex, then someone else will be for you. sorry, there is no alternative. it might be your partner, or it might be the person you're talking to. no real way of knowing.
sex cannot be described directly - a little caveat on the previous point of sex being funny is that genitals are funny too, so you can't call her by their real names. you cannot, under any circumstances, call someone's dick a penis, a cock, willy, schlong, wee wee, etc, and you cannot call someone's pussy a vagina, snatch, hoohah, wound-as-if-like-jesus, etc, because that'd be funny. you need to invent increasingly byzantine ways to do it; use Hwetness or Hwarmth instead of pussy, or Member or Manhood for a Penis. not only is it weird to describe it in words, it is also kinda tacky and unfashionable.
i could go on tbh but i've had enough. and you had too. you've come a long way since a little while ago when u started reading this, i really admire that about you. i think my point is made that the way allos talk about sex is fucking nasty. i could make a point about how some ace people get almost incel-like in their anti-sexual zealotry but why would i lmao. but that's me talking shit, i shouldn't talk shit, always getting in trouble for running my mouth, i'm just like ursula k. leguin with her dubstep takes. anyway yeah hey how's your family? yeah? ok give my regards to ur mom or mommy or wtv. kisses 'n hugs, goodbye forever.